This movie is the most beautiful trainwreck I’ve ever seen.
Pan is a reimagining/retelling of the story of Peter Pan, which focuses more on the origin of the characters and how Peter, Hook, and a couple other memorable characters came to know each other. Though it is a reimagining, I don’t think they could have gotten any further from the original story if they tried. The goal of a reimagining is to keep the same basic feel of the original story and respect it while adding in new elements that make it stand on its own. This movie feels nothing like a Peter Pan movie should.
The main problem is the story. The thing that has always been cool about Peter Pan in general is how any kid in the world can dream of being like him. They can dream of never growing up, living in a land of imagination, and fly if they had faith, trust, and pixie dust. In this movie, however, they destroyed that by making the character a ‘chosen one’ with a ‘destiny’ and all that. Nobody else can fly. Doesn’t that kinda kill the dream? Kids can’t connect with a prophecy character because no kid in the world is part of a prophecy.
So Peter is supposed to be this chosen one who will come to Neverland to stop the bad guy and make everything hunky-dory. The bad guy he’s supposed to defeat is Blackbeard played by Hugh Jackman. I… honestly can’t describe what I think of that character. I mean…. what the heck was he doing singing NIRVANA SONGS?! No joke! His first scene shows him in this bleak, boring mine area getting everyone to sing a rock song that wouldn’t be thought of until at least 60 years or more after the events of this movie! In fact, there’s a lot of references to rock groups. I don’t get it. I was in the theater, with my friend (the same one who reviewed Fant4stic for me a while back) and we were both sitting there, completely dumbfounded at what we were witnessing. I couldn’t breathe on several occasions throughout this movie because I was laughing too hard.
The thing is, Hugh Jackman does an okay job during his more subtle moments. But the rest of the time… I’d say this is the lowest I’ve seen him. Speaking of odd casting choices, Rooney Mara was Tiger Lily. I don’t need to be reminded that the natives aren’t supposed to be white. I get that. Rooney Mara is a good actress, sure, but as Tiger Lily? It doesn’t make sense.
The most notable actor in the movie was Levi Miller, the kid that played Peter Pan. As utterly hilariously awful as Pan was, he did a good job. I hope he gets put into better things, with a better script and better director. I actually want to see that kid succeed.
This next character… I don’t know WHAT cartoon they pulled him out of… I can’t even think of where to begin on how to describe him… Captain Hook, played by Garrett Hedlund. He was the show stealer. As good as Levi Miller was as Peter, and as… indescribable as Hugh Jackman was as Blackbeard, Hook was the most annoying, most obnoxious, most cartoonish, most idiotic, most painful to watch, most strange character that I have seen in 2015. He has this stereotypical American accent, he talks through his teeth the whole time, always talks to people with his head turned to the side, with shoulder spasms. I’m nearly pissing myself trying to describe him. If anything, people need to see this movie just to experience the tragic abomination of hilarity that is Hook. Also, you’d think the movie would set up how Peter and Hook became enemies, how he lost his hand to the crocodile, and all that… but no. The movie ends and they’re still friends at the end. And he has an inexplicable romance with Tiger Lily that serves no purpose and goes nowhere.
Other things that don’t make sense include the journey to Neverland, the movie’s uncertainty of what it wants to do in regards to violence, and the fairies.
The journey to Neverland is just one huge drug trip. Peter plays with Saturn (the freaking planet) then there’s these floating water bubbles with fish in them, and… just a whole lot of weird crap. The fairies are handled rather strangely. Apparently pixie dust is an mineral that can be mined? And there’s a fairy prince that turned human and was with Peter’s mom and… I don’t know. Peter’s whole backstory and why he’s so special is explained horribly. I still don’t get it.
The violence is an issue that the movie seems unsure of how it wants to handle it. The pirates’ guns shoot multicolored dust, I guess to hide any gore and make it more kid friendly, but then Tiger Lily is going all Assassin’s Creed on the pirates with her tomahawk, the tribe leader is killed, Peter gives the British equivalent of America’s middle finger, and Blackbeard puts a kid on a plank and kicks him off. And that kid falls. To. His. Death. Who was this movie’s target audience, again? The violence suggests kids that are a little older, but the Never Birds, Hook, and Smee unbalance any stable tone that could have been achieved.
My second biggest gripe is how Neverland feels nothing like Neverland. I have no problem with CG and green screens, but almost every shot looked like a cartoon. The creatures look like they were pulled out of either Shrek or The Croods. I thought live action movies were supposed to bring things to LIFE, not make them another, highly detailed cartoon!
The story is bad, the characters are all over the place, the tone is in shambles, Neverland doesn’t feel like Neverland, nothing makes sense, and the casting was done by a madman. Is there anything good in Pan? Believe it or not, there actually was some effort put into it… it just wasn’t in the areas that really counted. Some of the CGI looks nice, but not all of it. However, the cinematography near the beginning where the planes were chasing the pirate ship, and the climactic battle between Blackbeard’s ship and the Jolly Roger, were done very well. I actually got INTO this movie near the end (side note, fairies are savage). There’s clearly effort put into this movie, but it wasn’t applied to where it mattered the most.
In conclusion, Pan is a horrible, atrocious, PAINFUL movie. It has barely anything to do with Peter Pan. And before you say “Why does Disney keep remaking their classics into crap?!”, just take note of something…. Disney had nothing to do with this. It was Warner Bros. And as bad as this movie was, It was so much fun watching this wreck go down. My friend and I laughed for hours on end after we left the theater. It was the most fun I’ve had with a movie in a long time. We made fun of it relentlessly the whole time. It was glorious! If you want to have as much fun as we did with making fun of this movie, then go see it with friends. Or just wait until it comes out on Blu-Ray or digital.
FINAL RATING: 16 / 50
STORY: 0 / 5
ACTING: 2 / 5
CHARACTERS: 1 / 5
SPECIAL EFFECTS: 3 / 5
ADVENTURE: 2 / 5
SOUNDTRACK: 2 / 5
TONE: 0 / 5
ENJOYABILITY: 5 / 5 (enjoyably bad)
REWATCH VALUE: 1 / 5
OWNING VALUE: 0 / 5
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