Croczilla (2012) movie review

Croczilla... It’s a Croc-of-$hit! This is without a doubt one of the worst films I’ve ever seen in my life.

Well, what do we have today? A Chinese sci-fi (I think?) about a giant crocodile. With a name like Croczilla, you’d automatically think it’s as large as a kaiju like Godzilla, right? Isn’t that what it looks like on the actual darn poster? No, it’s just the size of a Deinosuchus (prehistoric croc/gator-thing) which is around 8 meters long. That sucks. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still amazingly huge, but the size doesn’t fit the title. And the poster doesn't fit the movie. Never does the the film take place in a city, never does the navy intervene, and never is the croc that big.

Also, the slogan on the poster, “Japan was just the appetizer,” is one of the largest deposits of BS ever in the history of the universe.

What’s the origin of this giant crocodile? Is it a result of radioactive mutation? Is it a long lost prehistoric creature waking up to cause havok? Is it genetically modified? If you guessed any of these, you’re wrong. It’s just…. there. No explanation at all. There just happens to be an 8 meter long crocodile in some old guy’s zoo in China. Nice.

If you ever get around to watching this movie, which was made in China, by the way, then you’ll know exactly why I personally prefer subtitles over dubbing. The dubbing is a joke. A bad joke. It’s not even funny to listen to, like the Godzilla movies. This has to be one of the worst dubs I’ve ever heard in any film. And I’ve heard a LOT of bad dubbing. It’s not that the voices are boring, it’s that they sound so stupid! Every single voice in this film was unbelievably annoying. I wanted to rip each dub actor’s vocal cords out. I would prefer the monotone and lifeless style of dubbing. Or actual subtitles. Or a better movie.

As always, annoying voices = annoying characters. I couldn’t comprehend how freaking stupid everyone was! The little kid is the 2nd worst part. He’s the dumbest kid I’ve seen in my life. He rivals the stupidity and annoyance factor of the kid from Godzilla’s Revenge. YEAH. I typed that. And I mean it. At the beginning of the film, he lost his report card in the crocodile enclosure at the zoo. No kid on the planet would be enough of a dumb@$$ to go in after it! And he acts like the big croc is his friend. Good. This means we get to see a little kid whining to the adults not to hurt the crocodile that’s killing people! “It doesn’t want to hurt anyone! It’s my friend!” That’s what you’re in for if you watch this.

Usually, little kids are always the single most annoying part of any crappy film…. but NO! Apparently, it was the movie’s goal to render that rule irrelevant. And did it ever reach that goal! The most annoying character in the film is… I… can’t even remember anyone’s name. Let’s just call her the ugly stupid lady. So, miss ugly stupid lady was ditched by her boyfriend on the highway, and got lost in field. In her purse was 100,000 Euros. Why a Chinese woman would be interested in so many Euros is beyond me. Maybe they’re worth something in China, but I don’t know. So, the ugly stupid lady’s purse gets eaten by the crocodile after it escapes from its captors, and throughout the rest of the movie, she says nothing but…

“Crocodile! Crocodile! Crocodile! Crocodile! Crocodile! Crocodile! Crocodile! That big crocodile! Crocodile! It ate my 100,000 Euros! Crocodile! 100,000 Euros! 100,000 Euros! 100,000 Euros! 100,000 Euros! Crocodile! Crocodile! Crocodile! 100,000 Euros! 100,000 Euros! Crocodile! Crocodile! Crocodile! Crocodile!”

You will hear the word crocodile more times in this movie than you would in the entire series of of Crocodile Hunter. Steve Irwin never said it so much in his entire life. He’s probably rolling in his grave saying “Oh please, god, shut her up!”

And the other characters are the same. Annoying. Brain dead. And I want to punch each individual one in the face.

I will give this movie credit for having pretty good CGI on the big crocodile. But that’s the only thing it deserves credit for. You know, other than having the great honor of being a steaming pile of reptilian crap. l wouldn’t recommend watching it. I expected this to be stupid, but not this stupid.

FINAL RATING: 3 / 50

STORY: 0 / 5

ACTING: 0 / 5

CHARACTERS: 0 / 5

CGI: 3 / 5

ACTION: 0 / 5

SOUNDTRACK: 0 / 5

TONE: 0 / 5

ENJOYABILITY: 0 / 5

REWATCH VALUE: 0 / 5

OWNING VALUE: 0 / 5

What ticks me off more about the whole dubbing situation was that Netflix has the dubbed version of this movie, but the subtitled version of Karate Robo Zaborgar (I dare you to find that one). So KRZ was too crappy for a dub (it admittedly was crappy), but Croczilla was deemed worthy of one? Great. Fantastic. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.