Oh… why, TriStar? With all the time you had to make this, you could have put in a lot more effort than this.
This is not a Godzilla film. It is not. It just has the name slapped on it. But I need to review it, not because it has the name, but because this is the film that has most Americans misled and gave them the wrong impression of the King of the Monsters. This is the way most people I know were introduced to Godzilla, and almost every single one of them is clueless to the real version. Heck, this is the way I was introduced to the franchise. That’s one hell of a way to start! With the worst representation of the King in America! Someone needs to inform people of the real King of the Monsters. Well, that’s why guys like me exist. I’m here to inform you why this is not a Godzilla movie.
Before I get to reviewing the actual movie, I need to go over a few things. First off, the entire Heisei series was not being released in America at all. I’ve heard there were special subtitled imports on VHS, but I don’t know if that’s true or not. So, western audiences were very limited in ways to experience Godzilla. It was either scan through the TV channels and hope some happened to be on, or search in video stores. The general public only had the knowledge that he was a guy in a rubber suit with a lot of crappy movies. Fans had every right to be excited to see this movie when it came out. Why wouldn’t they? It was their chance to see Godzilla taken more seriously, and not have their friends laugh at them for liking something so ‘stupid’. The viral marketing got made people more hyped, but it only made the disappointment greater.
The first time I saw this movie, I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know who Godzilla was at the time, so I went into this completely ignorant of the legacy. Whenever I see it now, I laugh at my past self and think, “How could I have ever thought this was awesome?” I’ll be reviewing it from an informed perspective. Which means I’ll seem sort of like a whiney fanboy.
The film starts out with stock footage of nuclear tests in… the French Polynesia? Okay, sure. I guess the King of the Monsters is French now. Not only that, but they manage to screw up his origin even more! The French thing isn’t the huge issue, it’s the fact that he’s an iguana! Problem #1: Godzilla is not a mutated iguana, he’s a mutated dinosaur. I guess they had to be realistic for western audiences, but nothing is realistic to begin with! So why start now?
At least it has him attacking a Japanese ship. That’s cool, I guess. It then cuts to… Problem #2! Matthew Broderick! Nobody can expect me to believe he can help in any way to stop the King of the Monsters. No. Just… no. On top of that, his character, Nick Tatopoulos, sucks, and he can’t act any better than some of the Japanese people did in the Toho movies. Apparently, there is no other nuclear scientist guy in the entire freaking world right now who can help the US military in their investigation into the monster attacks, so they take this guy! Hoo-rah.
Meanwhile, in New York City, we get Audrey, a character as equally unlikeable and equally as bad at acting as Matthew Broderick, who is actually her ex-boyfriend. I’m going to guess they get back together at the end, don’t they? Who knows, I could be ENTIRELY wrong! Anyway, Audrey is struggling to become a reporter, but her boss, a news anchor, is too busy being a complete @$$ to let her attain her goal. I guess this is kinda like that reporter girl from Godzilla vs Mothra in 1964, but I cared for the girl in that movie far more than Audrey.
Nothing really interesting happens until about 25 to 30 minutes in, where we get the first destruction sequence. I have to admit, this scene is pretty entertaining. The only problem is that they don’t show the kaiju just yet. All we see is his feet, the tail, a bit of his face, and the spikes on his back. From these shots alone, it would not be a premature conclusion to say this ‘Godzilla’ is a lot different from the way people know and expect him to look. Don’t get me wrong, redesigns are important, especially for a movie like Godzilla. People wanted and expected him to look different, and update him for the modern audience. That’s exactly what everyone, including myself, is doing for the upcoming May 2014 release. But in 1998, the ads never showed how he looked, so people didn’t know how different he would actually be. For now, I’ll act like I don’t know what the rest of him looks like, and judge his design as shown in this point in the film.
It’s obvious that his posture is that of a dinosaur, standing horizontally instead of vertically. That’s fine. In fact, I would prefer the 2014 design to be in a more T-rex like pose. The biggest difference is the spikes. They are shaped a lot differently, now in two rows of curved jaggedy spines. The few face shots seen don’t resemble him at all. Maybe it could still work, who knows at this point?
Sadly, it’s all downhill from here. The plot takes a diarrhea dump on the audience’s intelligence on several occasions. Heck, it craps all over the characters, too! But one thing at a time, here. First, it turns out that the giant freaking lizard disappeared. Yes. That huge, lumbering giant is hiding in New York City. May I ask how that is possible? I know I say to suspend your disbelief for most Godzilla movies, but this is supposed to be a serious approach to it! How does he hide in a city that big? What, does he tunnel underground now?
Oh my god. He does.
Problem #3: When does Godzilla ever dig underground? I’ve been doing this Godzilla countdown since March, I’ve seen and reviewed all but 4 of the 22 movies made before this one, and not ONCE does he burrow! Scratch that, I know where they got the idea. Godzilla vs Mothra 1964, Godzilla’s first appearance is rising from the ground. But that’s only because he was caught in a tsunami, and was buried under the mud left over by it.
Anyway, Nick gets the idea to lure the lizard out with fish, which happens to be the main food he eats. Godzilla’s got to eat something, right? So, they make a big pile of fish in the city. This is where we get the weirdest and stupidest line in the entire film.
“That’s a lot of fish”.
Okay... Is that supposed to be funny? It’s not. It was… actually, I don’t know how to describe how stupid that was.
I think now is the time to mention that I actually met someone who worked on this movie. I can’t remember his name, but he did work with Sony Entertainment, which had a part in making this film too. I asked him about the line, and his answer was simply “Bad writing.” I can’t think of any better explanation. The guy was not proud of this movie either. I pitied him.
Pretty soon, ‘Godzilla’ rises from the ground, and we see just how HORRIBLE he looks! My god is that terrible! He looks NOTHING like Godzilla at all! He looks just like an iguana! That’s what he is! He’s not a prehistoric force of nuclear destruction! He’s an iguana! Not only does he not look like Godzilla, but the CG is awful, even by 1998 standards! The only thing that is reminiscent of the King is the roar… kind of. It sounds like an elephant in agonizing pain after getting kicked in the nuts. This is a disgrace to the King of the Monsters! But the early concept art is fantastic! look!
That looks like Godzilla! Why did they scrap that? But how am I appalled by this, but I can accept and be fine with 93% of the changes Michael Bay made to Transformers? Who knows.
So, after that… shocking reveal, the military decides to attack. Somehow, with a target that size, they miss! Every single shot flies over him and blows up the building next to him! How? It gets even worse when the helicopters chase him. They shoot their heat-seeking missiles, miss, and blow up the Chrysler building instead! When they use their machine guns, they miss, yet again, with EVERY SINGLE SHOT. They keep hitting the buildings! The lizard actually manages to outsmart them! I don’t know whether to say he’s really smart, or the military is really stupid.
Throughout the entire film, the military causes more destruction than the actual kaiju does! Even the mayor is aware of this!
By the way, I have yet to mention the mayor. His name is Ebert, and his campaign manager is named Gene, which is an obvious nod to the film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert. If they put these two in the movie, why didn’t they have the monster kill them? That would have at least been funny, but they wasted the opportunity. Good job, Roland Emmerich.
Somehow, the lizard disappears AGAIN. This is getting ridiculous! Even more BS is given when a blood sample is found. That means at least one bullet made its mark. It’s also revealed that the lizard is… pregnant! How did Nick find out? By using pregnancy tests from a local drug store… which shouldn’t have been able to tell if he’s preggers or not, because those tests are meant for HUMANS. Even Nick says “These tests weren’t designed for this.” But, apparently it still worked! Amazing!
Unfortunately for Nick, Audrey turns out to be a total b-word, and steals a top secret tape boldly labeled ‘top secret’, just to get a story for the news. The official people… or whoever they are, kick him off the team for letting this vital information get out. Honestly, I don’t know what was so secretive about it. All it had was the scene of the old Japanese man saying Gojira, and it had clips of other places the lizard has attacked. I guess they didn’t want people knowing there was a giant radioactive mutated lizard on the loose, when the entirety of New York City already knows there’s a giant radioactive mutated lizard on the loose. Seriously, these guys are stupid!
One poorly acted argument later, Nick is taken by French agents who have been monitoring the military’s operations in the city. They begin a search for the nest, which turns out to be made in Madison Square Garden. Audrey and some other news reporter guy follows them, just to be stupid.
While that’s going on, the military fails at hitting the lizard again, even with easily 50 or more helicopters, an entire battalion of tanks, and hundreds of soldiers. The lizard dodges everything, and jumps into the Hudson, where he outsmarts the navy’s submarines. Again, either this kaiju is really smart, or the military is full of idiots. They do manage to blast him with some torpedoes, and celebrate before checking if he’s dead or not.
Meanwhile, Nick and the French guys discover over 200 eggs, which hatch into velociraptors, ripped straight from Jurassic Park. At least they look like their dad. Strangely enough, this is one of the more entertaining parts of the film.
They soon get the military to send some fighter jets to blow up the building, and they narrowly escape the explosion. Turns out that the lizard is still alive, not that anyone is surprised, and is pretty mad that his babies are dead. A long chase scene follows. These people get lucky on too many occasions. The kaiju is a lot less coordinated this time. He's tripping and falling all over, and he can't catch the humans at all. I thought he was more intelligent than this!
They lead him to the Brooklyn Bridge, where he gets stuck in the suspension cables. This is where Problem #4: The fighter jets take him down with 2 strikes! Yeah, the ‘King of the Monsters’ gets shot down by missiles! Have these people ever seen a Godzilla movie? The military isn’t supposed to hurt him! They can’t! Some people might think it was too unrealistic to have him indestructible, but that’s a load of BULL$H!T! Realistic or not, that’s one of the time honored characteristics that make Godzilla who he is! Just look at the trailers for the upcoming release! He looks pretty indestructible to me.
Regardless of the title, this is not in any way, shape, or form, a Godzilla movie. They got nothing right! Sure, he was still mutated from radiation, and he’s still huge, but that’s standard for almost any kaiju. Godzilla doesn’t burrow, he doesn’t run away from the army, and he most DEFINITELY doesn’t get hurt by 2 jet strikes! This American Godzilla doesn’t even technically breathe fire. He sort of roars on cars and they explode from the sound, I guess, but it’s not like he actually has atomic breath. By the way, the movie’s slogan, “Size does matter” is a complete lie. He’s the smallest and weakest ‘Godzilla’ ever put on screen! The new one coming out is supposed to be the largest ever.
Another disappointing thing is the fact that there wasn’t any other kaiju for him to fight. Once again, some might say that it would be too complex, confusing, and ridiculous of a plot if they were to add another monster. But it’s been confirmed that in the new film coming next month, there’s at least two other kaiju. Do not tell me it can’t be done.
Other than being a horrible representation of Godzilla in America, it’s a pretty bad movie all around. The story is awful, the acting is awful, the characters were awful, the military was a bunch of idiots, and the CG… I’ve seen better graphics on a PS2! But looking back, the human and story element is the most accurate thing to Toho’s movies that the film has. Think about it! The acting, mostly dubbing, is usually awful, the characters are awful, the military has always been a bunch of idiots, and the special effects look fake! That’s pretty standard of any Godzilla movie! So, I guess I should give it credit for being respectful to that element. But as for the actual monster himself, it’s atrocious.
These people were more interested in the name, and not the kaiju. That has to be the biggest problem with this one. It was called Godzilla. The other major problem is that it wasn’t taking itself seriously. I’m not saying Godzilla movies need to be Christopher Nolan serious in order to be good, and I like having fun watching Godzilla, but the type of fun this movie was going for was not the right direction to go. They were trying to make it the enjoyable, popcorn, sit down and shut your brain off type of entertainment. Sure, most Godzilla movies are like that, but trying to be the updated version that’s supposed to let the people of America know of the legend, it’s not the right way to go. Godzilla started out as a symbol of fear. When he attacks a place like New York City, people should be terrified of the destruction and misery he brings with him, but instead, they made him a lost animal. King Kong is supposed to be the story about a misplaced animal, and Godzilla is supposed to be the story of an unstoppable force of nature. The movie completely missed that mark. There is still fun to be had with a serious and darker tone of any movie. Take Man Of Steel for instance. No matter if you like it or hate it, you have to admit the action scenes were a spectacularly fun time.
If this movie’s title was different, and all mentions of the name Godzilla were excluded, the blow wouldn’t have been as hard. For what it is, it’s not god awful. It’s a poor representation of Godzilla, but the movie is still enjoyable, and I don’t mind watching it every now and then. It’s an enjoyably bad monster movie. The standard bad acting, bad dialogue, bad special effects, plot holes, everything that a classic monster movie usually has. I have to give credit to the soundtrack, though. It was pretty good. So, for a movie in general, it’s alright. But I cannot stress how much this is NOT a Godzilla movie. In fact, Toho actually renamed the monster ‘Zilla’. The fans sometimes refer to him as GINO, which stands for Godzilla In Name Only. Honestly, that’s the most accurate thing to call it.
There was one last egg at the end of the film that set up a nonexistent sequel, but there was an animated series that continued the story. Want to know what the strange part is? The animated series is PHENOMENALLY better than the film! Yeah, the big budget hollywood blockbuster is worse than the lower budget cartoon that not many people remember at all! I’ll save the review of that show for later, because I’m on a schedule here. I need to get to the next film on the list, Godzilla 2000!
FINAL RATING: 22 / 50
STORY: 2 / 5
ACTING: 2 / 5
CHARACTERS: 1 / 5
CG/SPECIAL EFFECTS: 2 / 5
ACTION: 3 / 5
SOUNDTRACK: 4 / 5
TONE: 2 / 5
ENJOYABILITY: 3 / 5
REWATCH VALUE: 2 / 5
OWNING VALUE: 1 / 5
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