Well… this was definitely an experience. I mean… wow. This is the most beautifully crafted train wreck ever conceived by human or godly hands. This is Whites of Egypt- I mean, Gods of Whiteness- I mean… Gods of Egypt. Yes.
Gods of Egypt stars Gerard Butler as Set, the God of the Desert, the guy with the unpronounceable name who plays Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones as the God of the Air, Horus, and a whole lot of non-Egyptian people. Yes, Egypt is very… fair-skinned in this movie. All over the internet, people are whining that the Egyptians in the movie set in Egypt aren’t black. Although I definitely see their point in the lack of accuracy, but the Ancient Egyptians weren’t exactly black, either. They were obviously of a darker complexion, but not what we would term as ‘black’. Also, the real Ancient Egyptians didn’t see race the same way we do these days. The only definitive races they did acknowledge were the human race, and their gods’ own race. All that aside, there isn’t really an excuse for not casting at least Egyptian-looking actors. There were a few that could pass for Egyptian, like Chadwick Boseman as the god Thoth, and Elodie Yung as the Goddess of Love, Hathor, looked almost passable for Egyptian sometimes.
ANYWAY...
Where do I even begin with this thing? It’s based on an actual Egyptian mythological story, and sadly, Egyptian mythology isn’t as well known as Greek mythology. The story it tells is where the God of the Desert, Set, overthrows his brother, the ruling god of Egypt, Osiris, and rules over the land for many years. In the myth, the god who in the end defeats Set, the God of the Air, Horus, was born a while after Set had taken power. In this film, Horus was just about to be crowned the new king of Egypt when Set comes in to take over. Either way, Set kills Osiris, defeats Horus, takes out his eyes, and establishes his rule as the ruling god of all the world. A mortal thief, named Bek, frees Horus from his prison and steals back one eye for him. He unites with the god and the two embark on a journey to defeat Set.
And right from the very beginning, this movie is bad. It’s a special kind of bad, though. It’s not the boring, angering type of bad. It’s the ‘so bad it’s the most beautiful thing on Earth’ type of bad. The acting is mostly crap, the special effects vary in quality with each scene, the story is poorly written, it drags on for a while longer than it needs to, and is all around a mess. But you know what? I absolutely LOVED every second of it. Gods of Egypt is probably my favorite guilty pleasure movie of all time.
Pretty much every scene made me laugh hysterically. And sometimes it was because the film was actually funny! I will admit, there were some genuinely (and intentionally) funny moments in this movie. The funniest things in the entire film were Gerard Butler as Set and Chadwick Boseman as Thoth. Those two stole the show. They must have known what kind of film they were in, and they had fun with their roles. Especially Gerard Butler. His character, Set, was funny, snarky, and sometimes badass. If ANYONE ELSE had been Set, it would not have been the same. It would not have been as fun to watch and I would probably genuinely hate this film. The same goes for Thoth. These two were awesome in each scene they were in, and they made it worth the money.
Something I think should have been made much more clear in the movie and the trailers is that this film does not take place in the ‘real world’. I mean that it’s not like this is a story where “long ago, these gods were real” or something like that. This is as if Egyptian mythology was taken literally. It is a completely fantasized and stylized version of the world. It’s not supposed to be geologically accurate at all. The Earth is a flat plane, for crying out loud! And the sun god, Ra, actually pulls the sun along using a huge sunboat that flies almost in outer space. Honestly, I think that it was pretty cool. This movie looks cool! The design choices are visually appealing! The gods in their true god forms, when they had animal heads and looked kinda like transformers, looked awesome! And the action was fun, too! Sure, the special effects were not very great all the time (especially most of the green screen) but they’re definitely not the worst I’ve ever seen! Some of it was fairly good!
I really can’t think of much more to say in a written review. Gods of Egypt is one of the best worst movies I’ve seen in my life. This abominable wreck is my new favorite guilty pleasure. It’s stupid, it’s silly, it’s hilariously awful, but I will admit that there are some cool things in it. I was counting on it being bad, and it delivered. If you want to see it in theaters, then please go into it with the right mindset. If you want an enjoyably bad movie, one that you can get a bunch of friends together and rip it to shreds like Mystery Science Theater 3000, then I suggest waiting until it comes out on Blu-Ray so you can do so and not get kicked out of the theater.
I am SO glad I saw this with a friend (and had him pay for it), and I am not ashamed to say I love this steaming pile of turds. I will own this on Blu Ray and put it on a pedestal next to my other favorite movies ever. I’m serious.
FINAL RATING: 33 / 50 - Probably a higher score than it actually deserves... oh well.
STORY: 2 / 5
ACTING: 2 / 5
CHARACTERS: 3 / 5
SPECIAL EFFECTS: 3 / 5
ACTION: 4 / 5
SOUNDTRACK: 2 / 5
TONE: 2 / 5
ENJOYABILITY: 5 / 5
REWATCH VALUE: 5 / 5
OWNING VALUE: 5 / 5
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