I lied. Transmorphers isn’t next. I just came across this one, and I knew I couldn’t pass this opportunity up. This is Jack the Giant Killer, only existing because Jack the Giant Slayer from 2013 exists.
Just look at that poster. It looks like it could be some ridiculously insane fun movie... but it's only lying. Never does anything like that happen. The Asylum is too stupid for that.
Jack the Giant Slayer was an alright movie. It’s just the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk. Except there’s an army of giants instead of one. And a team of knights to help Jack out. And a big battle. And all the giants are ugly and mutated. I know they had to do something creative.
I know the Asylum movie can’t get accused of ripping off Jack the Giant Slayer, since fairy tales can’t be copyrighted (I don’t think), but it’s obvious that it wouldn’t have been made if Jack the Giant Slayer wasn’t.
The plot of Jack the Giant Killer is… rather… stupid, to say the least. From the title, and the movie it’s ripping off, you’d think “Oh, it’s just Jack and the Beanstalk, how badly could they screw it up?”
Well, I took a few screenshots of the movie. This first one should summarize my reaction.
This one is what I was reacting to.
Why a dinosaur? Just... why?
So, with these screenshots and the poster alone, we can already conclude that it has Jack squat to do with the original story, save for the beanstalk. There’s not even giants. At all. They’re dead before the movie begins. Instead, it’s those mutated reptiles. I have no clue what they are, but I can assure you they don’t belong in an adaptation of Jack and the Beanstalk!
After watching this movie, I really don’t know what it was trying to be. Was it trying to be more geared towards families, or was it really trying to be serious? Because it failed at both. It sucked as far as family adventure films go, and fails even more at being taken seriously.
Firstly, it should come as no surprise that the acting is bad, but this has to be some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen in my life! It’s almost as bad as The Room. Not only do the actors do a pi$$-poor job, but the dialogue is atrocious. I can’t begin to describe it. To add on to this mess, the pacing is rushed beyond belief! Things happen too quickly, plot points come out of nowhere, and characters get these ideas that make no sense whatsoever.
Being serious is out of the question, so how does it hold up as a family adventure movie? Not so well. Despite the huge reptiles, I am 100% positive that families will regret ever seeing this, expecting a decent adventure to keep them entertained. The ‘family friendly’ part was the British officials. The military general, government agent, and company owner put on the most ridiculous performances ever. Either they think it’s a Monty Python sketch, or it was their goal to take all seriousness out of it as possible. Surprisingly, they’re the most entertaining part. It’s like they knew it was bad, so they ruined the intended tone on purpose. That’s why I love British people.
I don’t know why the Asylum doesn’t go the route 21 Jump Street went and make fun of themselves. It would be so much better if they just did that.
Other characters include Jack, a stupid teenager who casually makes robotic suits as a hobby, which comes in handy when giant mutated reptiles climb down from a beanstalk. Jack has a girlfriend, who… serves absolutely no purpose. Jack also finds his long lost dad in the giant’s land. His dad sucks, too.
There’s also this random lady who apparently got kidnapped by giants when she was little, and she grew up into a queen. She’s the most awkward part of the movie (and that’s saying something). She’s supposed to be ‘hot’, giving ‘seductive’ stares, but all she manages to accomplish is to look really stupid all the time.
One of the many confusing parts of the film is the difference of the passage of time between Earth and the giant’s land. One day in the giant’s land = one year on Earth. Don’t ask me how it works. Jack’s long lost dad has been stuck in this place for 19 days in his relative time. In those 19 days, he’s killed every single last giant, got into some messed up and confusing relationship with the queen lady, learned how to use the flying castle like a professional, and began exploring the land and charting new territories. That’s quite a number of accomplishments for being there for just 4 days short of 3 weeks. And if that’s not enough, the way he talks to the queen lady gives the impression that he’s been there for a year or two.
Even more confusing is when Jack’s girlfriend plants another beanstalk the night Jack disappeared up the first one. While it’s stupid that she decided to plant it RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF LONDON, it hurt my head even more when she arrived in the giant’s land. She went up the stalk at night, so that should mean about 15 seconds passed in the giant’s land… right? Well, it seemed as though an hour and a half passed while Jack was up there, and that’s when the girlfriend went up. If the movie wanted to follow its own time rule, then she should have planted the stalk WAY later! Heck, it should probably have been a few weeks by the time Jack, his dad, and the girlfriend got back to Earth. But I guess the writers didn’t care enough to think about that (or anything).
The CG is once again crappy. Nothing new there. You’d think it would at least deliver a climactic battle like what’s seen on the poster… but there isn’t one. Never is there a huge fight London. The only bit of ‘action’ that happens in the city is when the reptiles come down from the beanstalk. They don’t do anything. Military guys shoot at them, but the reptiles don’t blow anything up. The climax is in some field. I know the Asylum sucks at locations and action scenes, but they have done battles in major cities countless times before. For how cheap their way of shooting action sequences is, they pull it off (but that doesn’t mean it’s good). They were just lazy in this movie. Lazier than usual.
Other than the guys who made a joke out of their roles, is there anything I did like about this movie? No. Not at all. I will say that this movie is more enjoyably bad than other Asylum movies, but not by much. It’s still a worthless waste.
FINAL RATING: 3 / 50
STORY: 0 / 5
ACTING: 0 / 5
CHARACTERS: 1 / 5
CG: 1 / 5
ACTION: 0 / 5
SOUNDTRACK: 0 / 5
TONE: 0 / 5
ENJOYABILITY: 1 / 5
REWATCH VALUE: 0 / 5
OWNING VALUE: 0 / 5
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